Saying they would no longer put up with being told what to do and to keep imposing pay cuts, tax hikes, slashed pensions and seizing bank accounts so that foreign bankers putting up bailout loans could be paid back, Greece and Cyprus have decided to quit the Eurozone and adopt a new currency, the Dralira.
A combination of the ancient drachma and lira, it will be pegged not to the euro or the U.S. dollar but the yuan of China, which is expected to overtake America as the world’s dominant economy.
“That was the last straw,” Cyprus’ new President Nicos Anasastiades said of a note he got from Eurozone officials ordering him to cut workers pay 100 percent, raise taxes 100 percent, stop all pensions and – the real killer for him, he said – make his friends pay taxes, not have their loans written off anymore and stop using the state banks as personal ATM’s.
He said the euro in Cyprus, after an order from the European Union-International Monetary Fund-European Central Bank (EU-IMF-ECB) to confiscate up to 80 percent of bank deposits over 100,000 euros ($130,000,) is now as worthless as a Confederate dollar. He said that the Dralira will be used exclusively on the island, as well as in Greece where Prime Minister Antonis Samaras said he’d refused to obey the Troika anymore either because they wanted him to allow German Chancellor Angela Merkel to appoint an overseer as head of the country, making him second in power.
Even for the mild-mannered Samaras, who’s so malleable he carries jello in his wallet for identification, that was too much. At last report, he was drooling in anger and ripping to shreds a photo of Merkel dressed as a dominatrix and whipping him. “Tell her I said ‘No, Fraulein!’” he was heard to scream.
After that, he got Anasastiades on the phone and the two conservatives decided to switch to the new currency but declined to have them bear their likenesses for fear they would be printed on Softex toilet paper the governments are getting at a big discount and ordering in bulk and could be used in an emergency if someone has a bad stomach.
Reaction from Troika officials was swift, and predictable. “I’m shocked! Shocked to find out gambling is going on in this bank!” the Eurozone’s new chief Jeroen “The Flying Dutchman” Dijsselbloem, who reports directly to Merkel, said just before being handed his winnings from speculating the banks he ordered to fail on Cyprus had failed.
After a lackey whispered in his ear, the Eurozone leader turned back to reporters and said, “I’m not shocked! Not shocked to find out that gambling on the banks has been going on!” Then he was handed a big bag of what he thought was euros but opened it to find it was full of Dralira, a gift from Samaras and Anasastiades.
IN GOD WE DON’T TRUST
EU President Herman “Haiku” Van Rompuy, fond of Japanese poetry, and who reports directly to Merkel, expressed his dissatisfaction the only way he knows how: in haiku. “In Greece and Cyprus, the euro is zero. Lira and Drach are back.” Then he clapped his hands excitedly, delighted with himself and disappeared right in front of everyone’s eyes as he often does.
European Commission President Jose Manuel Mao Barroso, a former Communist rebel in college until he discovered EU politicians get free lunches and stay in 5-Star hotels, had no comment because his ventriloquist, Merkel, was otherwise occupied, leaving him nothing to say. He had been a staunch supporter of everything he had been told to do by his superiors, which includes everyone. For that, he received the EU’s highest prize, the Irrelevant Award.
IMF Chief Christine Lagarde, under investigation for embezzlement, said she was disappointed and said she didn’t embezzle money from Cypriot banks where politicians and favored businesses, obviously clairvoyant, moved their money to foreign banks just before Anastasiades confiscated most rich people’s money.
That’s an act never before successfully accomplished by a conservative or Republican and as unlikely as a trapeze artist completing a quadruple flip without a net or a Golden Dawn neo-Nazi sleeping with an immigrant.
Still, the announcement was so startling that Greeks stopped protesting, unsure of what to do now that they wouldn’t have the Troika to kick around anymore and PASOK Anti-Socialist leader Evangelos Venizelos rumbled to the bank too late to take out his euros and move them to a secret Swiss bank account in Switzerland which are never investigated by Greek authorities for tax evaders.
Greek Finance Minister Yiannis Stournaras handed in his resignation immediately saying he preferred to be executed by the Troika than his own people until a real hero, Manolis Glezos, twice sentenced to death by Greek dictators, suggested that wasn’t such a good idea. Members of Parliament and government ministers said they didn’t care what currency Greece used because they had all their money in offshore bank accounts and only used the U.S. dollar anyway.
Shown a likeness of the new notes, many Greeks were delighted. “Gosh, they’re pretty. Are they worth anything?” said one 74-year-old pensioner until he was told he’d need a wheelbarrow full just to buy a kilo of butter.
The Eurozone said the dralira wouldn’t be accepted anywhere except Greece and Cyprus and a black market appeared overnight trading in euros and dollars with African immigrants selling them under the counterfeit CD’s they peddle unlawfully on the streets in full view of police officers who gladly accept a couple of recent badly-recorded copies of Spring Breakers to look the other way, leaving them with only one hand free at the same time.
Rich Russians and gangsters who used Cypriot banks to store their ill-gotten gains were beside themselves with grief and some turned to playing reverse-Russian roulette: putting five bullets in a gun and having only one chamber empty, and offering Anastasiades a chance to play too.
Wait! I’ve just been handed a press release from the European Commission which says: APRIL FOOL’S.