Greece’s Apocalypse Now, The World’s Later



I love the smell of an asteroid hitting the earth in the morning …. smells like …. doomsday

The world might indeed end on Dec. 21, although it’s more likely Greece’s soccer team will win the World Cup in Brazil in 2014 if the earth is still around. If the end is nigh, it might even be Greece’s crushing economic crisis which causes it, bringing down world markets and setting people off on frenzied riots. But don’t bet on it.

Some people are afraid the prediction of the earth’s demise on Dec. 21, 2012 will come true, a call made by, among others, of the Mayans, and who are we to doubt people who used the heads of their own kind to play a primitive kind of polo with?

If you saw Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto, which is almost as violent as Greeks arguing on television over politics, you’d know these people knew what they were talking about. Just thinking about it made Gibson go as crazy as a loon.

By most accounts, Dec. 21, 2012 is the end date of a 5,125-year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Count Calendar, although after so many years you’d think it would be called the Really Long Calendar. If you’re a collector, maybe you can find on eBay the original one from the year 3113 B.C. in the Playboy version. Those Mayan chicks were hot.

The Doomsday Scenario Mongers, not to be confused with those who believed the world would end on various other previous dates, have seemed to be proved wrong, unless you count the advent of the Fox TV Network as Armageddon.

This time time though, they say the world will really, really, really end, most probably as the result of a Solar Maximum (not to be confused with a Solar Minimum, or George Clooney’s Bad movie, Solaris) which is an interaction between earth and the black hole at the center of the galaxy, which until now had been thought to be Branson, Missouri, where forgotten country music stars go to play to people wearing bib overalls.

Others believe The End Is Near and that it will come about as a result of earth’s collision with a planet called Nibiru, which some dismiss as nonsense because that would mean there wouldn’t be any Star Trek in the future and Capt. James T. Kirk hasn’t beamed back with Spock to warn us the earth is about to be hit by an invisible planet. The Nibiru Theory was first put forward in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, founder of the website ZetaTalk, not to be confused with BetaMax or Blue Ray.

Lieder is daffier than even members of the Greek neo-Nazi Golden Dawn party who believe the Holocaust was a film faked by the Americans who made the world believe Neil Armstrong landed on the moon but really filmed it in Arizona or some desert. Lieder describes herself as a contactee (maybe she lost her contactee lens somewhere) and said she knows this because she receives messages from extra-terrestrials through an implant in her brain. Those usually arrive through bad fillings in people’s teeth but we can only hope she’s right and the aliens bring $325 billion to repay Greek loans.

Don’t be too worried though because the Scientologists know that Xenu will save us or that John Travolta, a certified pilot, has a special DC-8 with six billion seats and enough fuel to circle the universe for 75 million years until another earth is formed, although the quarters might be cramped and there won’t be any showers or a change of underwear.

GOING POSTAL

Some believe the the end of the world as we know it approaching. I know a Greek civil servant who took me aside in his office the other day, looked at me squarely and said, “What do you think will happen on Dec. 21?” I paused because I hadn’t made a note in my calendar the world would end then and thought he meant that men would only have four more days to shop until running around on Christmas Eve, but then realized what he meant.

“I think Dec. 21 will come and go and then it will be Dec. 22,” I said. He seemed pleased.

“Good, I wasn’t ready to leave this earth,” he said.

“Sounds like you already have,” I told him, hoping to provoke a response he was pulling my leg and putting one over on me, but he didn’t bite.

“How do you think it will happen?” he said, as I heard the theme songs to Dr. Who and the Twilight Zone running through my head before they were replaced with Meat Loaf singing, “I’m praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive, because if I gotta spend another minute with you I don’t think that I can barely survive.”

“You know who’s going to be responsible for the end of the earth?” I told him. He leaned in closer and I whispered in his ear after looking around furtively to make sure there wasn’t a rabbi around. “The ….. Jews …..” He looked up startled. I told him, “They’re to blame for everything. They run all the banks and Hollywood but let the Greeks run the diners because nobody likes gefilte fish, and they even invented salt-free ham to spoil Christian’s Christmas dinners. That stuff is as tasteless as the Glenn Beck.”

He still looked anxious so I tried to mollify his fears as his eyes grew wide. “Don’t worry, there are no invisible asteroids that will hit the earth. We’ve got the Hubble Telescope up there in space as an early warning device.” He seemed satisfied but I hoped he hadn’t seen that bad movie, 2012, but it reminded me that there are indeed people out there who believe this stuff and are as gullible as Greek voters who keep electing New Democracy and PASOK empty suits.

THE END IS KIND OF NEAR

These apocalypse claims have been around since at least 634 B.C. when many Romans feared that the city would be destroyed in the 120th year of its founding because 12 eagles had revealed to Romulus a mystical number representing the lifetime of Rome, and some early Romans hypothesized that each eagle represented 10 years, but maybe he just had a bad filling that didn’t get the mystic signals right.

When Rome didn’t disappear like a Greek politician who hears the financial crimes squad knocking at his door, the theorists tried 245 years later with another story the Eternal City wouldn’t be so eternal, but it’s still there, being plundered by Silvio Berlusconi when he’s not chasing 17-year-old models.

Since then, most every sect has had a crack at predicting the downfall of mankind, including Jewish ascetics; bishops, including Martin of Tours, who said the world would end before 400 A.D. and that, “There is no doubt that the Antichrist has already been born,” almost 1600 years before the movie The Omen; monks, the prophetess Thiota in 848; Popes, Franciscan alchemists, Botticelli, (who may have had a vision of 20th Century modern art); astrologers, the German anabaptist Hans Hut who said it would happen precisely on May 27, 1528 (he was wrong); Martin Luther, who gave us until 1600; various self-declared messiahs, including guys with sandwich boards in New York City; Christopher Columbus; mathematicians, prophets, priests, puritans, Cotton Mather, (who had to revise it twice more when the first two didn’t work out); theologian William Whiston, who said a comet would hit the earth in 1736, some 262 years before Bruce Willis stopped it; Shakers, ministers, preachers, singers, Millerites, (who believed Jesus would return in 1843, too early to take advantage of cable TV); Harmonists, Seventh Day Adventists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, psychologists, psychics, Jim Jones (also known as the inventor of cyanide Kool-Aid in 1978); Charles Manson, evangelist Pat Robertson, who ran for the U.S. Presidency; Islam leader Louis Farrakhan; cultists, linguists, the Amazing Creswell, Isaac Newton, Sun Myung Moon, the Y2K crackpots who was sure it was all over at midnight on Dec. 31, 1999 but forgot there were different time zones around the world, Jerry Falwell, bible teachers, and some guy on late TV who’s name I didn’t catch.

They predicted floods, asteroids, plagues, nuclear wars that kill everything except politicians and cockroaches, bad ratings and all manners of doom, but the smartest hedged their bets and said it wouldn’t happen for some years after they were dead so no one could blame them or make fun of them on Twitter or Facebook.

If it happens, the end of the world may be brought about by economic collapse that started in Greece, so in the spirit of Doomsday, as there are only 10 days left, we’ll do a countdown each day until then listing the reasons why it’s already arrived for Greece and will hit the rest of the world at a time to be announced. If any of these come true, don’t check the next day because I won’t be here, and neither will you.

  • Dec. 11, 2012: Greece’s Public Power Corporation says it will ignore court rulings that collecting a 100 percent property tax surcharge through electric bills is illegal and will keep doing it, setting off riots that engulf the country, spread to the rest of Europe and destroy most of the world’s population except Greek politicians, their rich friends and the wealthy around the world who flee to tax havens.
  • Dec. 12, 2012: Greece reveals it needs to borrow another 1.29 billion euros ($1.68 billion) to buy back debt at a 66.2 percent discount, and again ignores paying back small bondholders, some of whom were nearly wiped out in a previous scheme imposing losses on investors. They pray for a fireball to hit the Greek Finance Ministry and it does.
  • Dec. 13, 2012: Greek Prime Minister Antonis Samaras says he has saved Greece by securing more loans the country can’t pay back and celebrates by imposing more pay cuts, tax hikes and slashed pensioners on workers, pensioners and the poor while the rich dine on the bones of the dead and drink wine from their skulls, a sure sign of the Apocalypse
  • Dec. 14, 2012: European Union leaders reject a bid by the leaders of the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (FYROM) to start talks to become a member. This infuriates the FYROMians who can’t pronounce the name of their country and they invade Greece, starting a war that spreads to the rest of the planet.
  • Dec. 15, 2012: Greece says it will turn to a council of “Wise Men” to solve its problems, but when none can be found, the country collapses, taking down the Eurozone, Wall Street and the world’s economy
  • Dec. 16, 2012: All of Greece’s workers go on strike and workers around the world, also upset at becoming slaves, join them and all operations cease to function
  • Dec. 17, 2012: Samaras meets the heads of the country’s biggest businesses, including international firms, to get them to create jobs, but only minimum wage positions, infuriating Greeks who boycott the companies, who then go out of business, taking the world with them
  • Dec. 18, 2012: Samaras says he wants to end farm subsidies because many farmers aren’t growing anything except profits by stealing government money, but farmers who do actually grow food suddenly can’t and a worldwide food shortage follows
  • Dec. 19, 2012: A Greek tourism campaign amazingly succeeds with a slogan: “Come to Greece, Give Us Your Money, Be Treated Badly,” but so many visitors arrive the country can’t handle them and their governments send in troops to rescue them, triggering a war that spreads
  • Dec. 20, 2012: Jailed Greek banker Lavrentis Lavrentiadis, accused of stealing as much as 700 million euros ($923 million) from Proton Bank, where he was the major shareholder, says he’s too ill to stay in jail. The Greek government agrees, apologizes for arresting him, gives him bank all the money, which he uses to buy a ticket on the Scientology airplane circling the earth, which lands to pick him up, spreading panic.
  • Dec. 21, 2012: See, what did I tell you! It’s end of the world day and nothing happ…………………………..